Day 81 : Times Like These

There are times you feel strong enough to handle whatever comes your way. But when it's right in front of your face, that thickening swoosh of pain from your chest blocks the air from your mouth. You push it back in, you try to breathe, you feel okay, but it won't be long until your heart admits that it hurts.

There are times you get carried away in the middle of flying. You close your eyes, smile, breathe in a little longer and spread your arms wider to feel the rise of altitude. But when you remember the reason why you wanted to fly, you open your eyes and look down, only to realize you never really flew anyway.

There are times you start to wonder why you still keep running a three-legged race when the other leg is weak. You feel enthusiastic for a few kilometers then you'll feel the scorching heat and the paralyzing rise of pain from your feet to your head. You take a water break to regain your strength, and then you run again. You know your destination and you know you will surely get there, but you just don't know how far more should you run alone, that that thought makes your leg hurt more, yet you keep running...and running.

There are times you get caught in that perfect moment of surreal bliss. You don't want it to end, you don't want to go back to reality, you want to forget everything else but being in that moment. But when the clock strikes 12, your heart starts to sink in a pool of darkness again in every succeeding minute.

There are times that you give in to the warmth for a minute, even if you know the hour of cold comes after. It is a vicious cycle that will stop eventually, but circumstances tell you it won't yet. You know that the switch from hot to cold could give you a strong intensity of pain but you still choose to give in. You could run away to safety, but you'd rather stand in the cold and wait for that minute of warmth again.

There are times when circumstances in front of you tell you to feel your heart, if it's still beating, if it's still alive. But you choose to look past them, because you know it's temporary, and you know that God is only preparing you for greater things.

There are times you want to give up because you just started standing tall, then you stumble again. But you choose to look up instead of down, knowing that God is walking with you and if you're too tired and crushed to continue, He will carry you in His loving arms.

There are times you want to forget the dream that hurts you now. But you choose to keep dreaming and more, knowing that the pain will soon end, and when dreams come true at last there is greater and everlasting joy. You know and believe that the dreams God has placed in your heart, He will bring it to completion. You just have to wait on His perfect timing.

There are times it all seems to not make sense anymore, that the only thing you could do is cry. But you choose to believe in God's promises, and carry on, knowing that He is at your side, crying with you - even if He knows that after this chapter, a flood of miracles and joy awaits you.

There are times you feel so unlovable, and start questioning if you are worth it, or if you still deserve to be happy after losing yourself to darkness that made you do terrible things. But you choose keep surrendering the broken pieces to God, and believe that He loves you with an everlasting love, and that you are beautiful, you are worth dying for on the cross, you are precious to Him, and you are victorious in this life and the next. Before you know it, you are made whole again.

. . . and you back to to top of this post only to realize that the process repeats itself, again and again, and again. You are scared of that repetitive process, but because you know it will soon end, and that it will end, you are able to endure it with faith, hope, and love. Yes, love... who is God Himself.

Smile. Laugh. Cry. The worst days with Him, still seem to be one the best days.