Day 69 : Guard Your Heart

Once upon a time, this bible verse started to become my life's motto - "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it (Proverbs 4:23)"

Three years ago - exact date, almost exact time, and same weather- I heard the most unexpected words from a close friend. It was something I didn't see, something I was afraid of.

That night, at Zen Tea, I stated my disbelief that his feelings are serious, and I never really trusted a guy's word when it comes to things beyond friendship. But because I always treasured friendships that are close to  my heart, and ours is one of them, I did not take his confession seriously. In my mind, "feelings" are fleeting and are temporary.

There were so many things I thought of in a span of five minutes talking to him. . .
"He's like my best friend . . . . . . . but --- 

"Maybe he's just flirting with me, like he does with other girls. I shouldn't really take it seriously. Once a flirt, always a flirt. But what if he changes? Sure, okay...let's say he would, but what if he goes back to what he was after some time? I might just end up hurt. "

"Maybe his feelings would fade in time... I shouldn't take it seriously."

"Wait, but what if it fades, and I start to like him? Again, I might just end up hurt."

"What if it develops, and in the process, I start to like him? I'm afraid to trust, I'm afraid to love... I'm afraid of my heart being broken."

I told him so many things - my fear, my doubts. He knew I could be so vulnerable, because I give much in friendships alone. What more when it comes to something really serious, something I'd be having for the first time.

I always told myself that I would really make my first, my last. To me, it's the greatest treasure I could keep as a woman... and if temporary feelings are the basis of him, being my first - I'd rather not. I was naive, afraid, doubtful, yet firm. Firm in my belief that he might not take me seriously anyway. . .

Our conversation ended with two words that changed our lives forever - "We'll see..." 

That day, those two words are the perfect expression of my decision to guard my heart.

Today, those two words are the same words that make up the perfect expression of hope, to renew what's left of what I said I would guard. 

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