Day 56 : Half Hearted

My fever is gone, but the stinging sensation in my throat, and that dry feeling from my chest whenever I breathe still agitates me. I woke up at 7:30 am and did a couple of chores, ate breakfast and went back to bed. My mom brought me lasagna from goodles for lunch, then I headed off to bed again.

It was past 4pm when I woke up and I only had one question in mind : Will I go to work or not? I am torn between finishing tasks and getting enough rest to fully recover from my sickness. I've asked a lot of people - my mom, my sister, my aunt.They all point my question back at me.

I figured, that I didn't want to delay any tasks and if I don't fight the "sick feeling", I might just be dragged all the way. Yes, I'm back at work.

It's been long weeks of desperation to get the heck out of here. It's just not yet my time to leave because I've tried a lot of options and none of them worked. I guess I'll have to deal with it and move on. I just can't live like this - I see everything wrong and unjust, I see everything as inhumane, I see everything as a hindrance to my success. Perhaps the "night shift mode" is delaying my change of perspective, but I will surely strive to turn everything around once the normal shift starts. I haven't been thinking straight for a month now and I am physically sick. I am also emotionally wounded by how everything I've worked hard for in college seems to be going to waste because of where I am now. Hey, it might just be "me".

God sees the bigger picture, and I only see the small portion of it. I only see the thorns, but God sees beautiful roses from above. I only see ugly brush strokes and color combinations up close, but God sees a beautiful masterpiece from afar. I only hear the second voice that seems out of tune, but God hears a beautiful harmony once the whole song is being sung with perfect blending. I only see small fragments that somehow seem to cut me deep, but God sees me whole, perfected in His love. 

I chanced upon reading this reflection in my Kerygma Email for today and it feels like He is speaking to me even before I thought of writing this post.

Reflection: Believe that God has the best plan for you. He will make you “qualified” and will equip you with what you need.

And my prayer, even before I thought of it, is already laid out for me for He knows what I need even before I ask Him :

Lord, thank You for Your grace and for leading me to where I am now. May I always depend on You in all I do, trusting that You know what’s best for me.

Being sick is quite timely because it is a manifestation of my emotional illness as well. I only pray that when I am finally physically healed, I would also be emotionally and spiritually healed too. I claim all these, in your beautiful name, Jesus!