12 December 2013

Day 89 : Let Me Cry

Dear blog reader, please just, close your browser if this is 'emo-ranting' for you. 

Inside, I bleed.

I'm stronger than this, I know. But how many times to I have to fall down, how many times do I have to feel that I've tried, I've given, I've lost, I've tried... yet I still am on the this page of the story that burns me up. How many times must it get worst before things get better? How many times to I have to keep pulling myself out of the maze, how many times to I have to give myself a hard push to keep holding myself together?

I'm stronger than this, I know. Some days I feel strong. Some days, like today, it feels as if everything is clouding up my mind. Why am I even here? Why... why does this chapter have to exist in my life? What did I do to be thrown into this furnace?! I've gone through hell way back, and at least I think I deserve better, if not the best....... and not worst.

Sometimes I wish it would be easy to express. Sometimes I wish I could just cry and let it all out. But who would really understand down to the core? Well at the end of the day, I stand in the battle field alone, to fight and defend myself. But what if I can't anymore? What if I'm too tired, too sad, too messed up that I can't take it anymore?

I never really like posting things like this. . . but I just had to. I want to look back on this day. This day I feel the crushing pain shoot up. Pain because I've never felt this worst, this dark, this messed up in my entire life - only in this phase of my story. AND IT SUCKS. 

I wouldn't do the same mistake of turning my back on God because of everything crappy I am going through. I know this is just a test... I'm in that pruning process again. A stage where my character is being shaped, tried and tested, molded.... I believe that He is walking with me through the fire, and after this phase - I will be refined like gold.

It's just that. . . I AM TOO WEAK NOW, TOO TIRED. PAIN FILLED.
Sometimes I just need a short break. . . to let it all out, and not be ridiculed for writing things like this.

This side of me, is just inevitably hard to mask.

I'll get by. . .

The Wonder Human

To be human has its complexities and frailties. It almost feels natural to succumb to life's struggles and disarray, that we tend to forget how God has made us to be filled with wonder. . . and this blog aims to create vivid reminders of what we should never lose, what we should continually celebrate, what we should seek, in every musing, experience, milestone, chapter, and blessing. More about me HERE


Psalms 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Job 5:9 He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.

Psalm 71:17 Since my youth, God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.

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