I can't count how many times I've gone on and off blogging. I do write, but mostly on my journal because my thoughts are in a constant spiral and I just couldn't make more time to gift-wrap it in a blog post. I don't even know if people still read blogs, I don't even know if my old blog friends are still blog hopping like I used to, and I don't even know if this digital mumbling makes sense.
All I know is that once upon a time, I used to be so free-spirited, that it was easy to just "FLOW". I didn't mind at all if my posts had conclusions or if they were coherent enough. I didn't mind if the views were just 2 or even thousands, and I didn't think about what my readers would think... rather, my writing wasn't influenced by what they would think.
Ah, younger days.
Maybe this hiatus isn't a hiatus at all -
Maybe it's something more, something deeper. I wasn't "TAKING A BREAK", because if we're talking about writing? I never stopped writing. I always have a few notes everyday, and there are days I even fill 2-3 pages in my journal. So what happened?
The truth is that all my life, I painstakingly kept fighting for myself. I always fought for acceptance, affirmation, even friendship. That's why since my pregnancy, I had this series of events and moments where everything and everyone around me made me feel I was not good enough. And I guess that was the terrible culmination of all facets of my life - work, home, my failed business ventures, my blog and passion projects...
I guess I haven't really gone past that season. Perhaps, I still am finding it hard to let go. That's why even if it's been a year since my confinement due to depression, even if I think I'm okay now, there's still that huge part of me that isn't.
It's been three years since my pregnancy, a year past my breakdown, and maybe it's really time for me to claim my break through don't you think? Sigh.
Why am I even writing about this openly? Maybe there's still that part of me that believes there's one person out there who must be feeling the same way. And through writing the raw parts of my life without the need to synthesize or conclude why's and hows, I could somehow make that person feel that it's okay.
It's okay to ask questions, and it's okay to not know the answers yet.
In time we'll know.
For now this is the question I'm trying to answer... and I pray I grow through the process of finding out, even if the answers don't come up yet.
After all, flowers don't bloom all at once. Even paintings take time.
PS : Thank YOU for your time. If you're here by accident, or if you're here on purpose. I hope you're well and good! and I hope to meet you soon.
