DEPRESSION : Road to Recovery Part 2

This is my attempt, to understand and share what I am going through, hoping that in the process of recovery, I might just be able to reach those who are in the same path, and heal together. Here's the link to PART 1. Thank you for being here. . . 

Depression doesn't just happen
#41 Depression by Bored Panda's Depression Through Art
In most cases, you won't even notice that you're depressed until it takes your life literally, and figuratively. It gradually tries to kill you. Just like the tale of the frog : he's inside the pan filled with water, and it starts to heat up slowly. And because his body adjusted to the water temperature already, he didn't notice how hot the water is, until it reached "boiling point" where the only way out is to jump, or die. That's how depression is - you've been crippled by the heat already and your legs are too weak to jump, and it's not your fault. Some have chosen to stay in the water to be at peace, but here you are fighting for your life. . . fighting everyday.


It is from the roots of childhood and the environment at home that you grew up in. It is from the heartaches from friends and enemies you've had in early years of school and perhaps even until your professional life. It is from the relationships you've built and lost, the scars and trauma that never left. It is the culture you were raised with, the society you are in, beliefs imposed or sought after. It is the series of life changing events blow by blow, the shattering of dreams firmly held, the yearning for what could have been's and if only if's. It is the endless, painstaking, why's. . .


It's the words repeatedly said to you for a long time now. It's the lines said to you once but left a deep wound in your heart. It's the unmet expectations people crucify you with. It's how cruel people and circumstances can be even if you've been trying to do good. It's the prejudice you've had to deal with, it's the curses you had to hear, it's the judgment you never had a chance to defy.

It consumes and destroys you slowly, unknowingly.

You don't just wake up one day and say "Oh wow, I'm depressed!". In fact, we are the last ones to say that we are. But the things we thought were just "random mood swings" or "tainted perspectives" about life, turned into habitual destructive patterns. And there are many times we hold it against ourselves - the crying, the feats of anger, the blank stares, the restlessness, the hollowness. . . even feeling too much love and care that we deem in unreciprocated because we're finding it hard to "FEEL" on most days.

We act normal, we still eat or go out, some even party. We function as we should on most days. But the inevitable sinking and drowning feeling, is there. Sometimes the waters are shallow, sometimes the waters are dark and deep.

All we know is that there's more of the things we overdo for some time now :

Oversleep, stay up late, binge watch and/or binge eat, not eat. . . saying no to invites, choosing to stay at home, trying to work but losing too much focus and forgetting things and feeling heavily tired all the time. Loosing interest in the things we used to love, like literally not caring about them anymore. And the constant cloud of gloom that just never goes away. . . the spiral, the blank state of mind, feeling okay now but feeling like crap later, tearing up and allowing yourself to cry then just stopping with an "I don't give a **** anymore" face.

There are good days, nice days, yes, but most days are so monotonous that you don't realize how big the damage is already. Not until you want to disappear, not until you do something about it, and not until you realize you can't.

Just like the frog in the pan, we fight... the mere fact that we're dragging ourselves out of bed is "fighting".

Fighting to keep what is left.
Fighting to redeem what was lost.
Fighting to get out of this vicious cycle
Fighting to just 'be okay", really okay 
Fighting to smile genuinely again
Fighting to feel
Fighting to be who we once were, or
Fighting for the person we want to become
Fighting because we still care,
Fighting for the ones we love,
Fighting for ourselves,
Fighting for matter how faint, or bright it is right now

I'll say it again, hang in there. I have yet to find answers but somehow I'm getting there. Are you? Well right now I'm on my 4th day at the hospital. And on idle moments, I write.... (here's proof!) and sing, and write again. . . I don't know if this is temporary, but the medications are helping a lot with how I sleep. Right now I'm afraid of being out of this safe place....... until then, I'll write something new. Praying for you too

Images Taken From :
BORED PANDA - Depression through Art