Letters to him | "We Can't Choose How We Are Loved"

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We can't choose how we are loved.
But what we can do, is embrace every moment that we are. . . loved.

It seems easier to be chill about everything, going with the flow and just taking what life gives you one day at a time. But there's also a big difference to know, where we're headed.

I clearly remember what you told me when I was in Davao and we had an argument caused by my eagerness to talk to you after a long, tiring day. You said, "I will always want to work with you in making it better. It's not perfect, Bea but we're getting there. I'm here. I will always try to be better. " 

Hearing you say those words made my heart still, and comforted me from a distance.

And I so clearly remember as well how you told me in the car, that in your arms is where I should feel the safest. That I'm home, and right there, with you.

Last night went a little over board, I know. And I'm sorry. I hope you understand where all this is coming from. It took a while for me to 'come home' and though I'm not sure if you meant it literally when you said 'please come home na' but I took it as a reminder of that moment in the car. . . . . . I'm sorry it took a while. But I'm here. Now.

Every day I am learning how to embrace YOU, and the everything that comes along with it - your profession, your ways of expressing yourself, your ways of loving me, your temper, your habits, your quirks and all the things in between.

Know that while you are trying to be better, I also am.

Love is patient, love is kind. I guess those are the two things we've been learning for the past year. Patience - I do think we have lots and lots of this, though evident in our own ways... Kindness - we're moving out of that phase where 'how things are said leads to another argument'.

I've always believed that knowing God, is knowing love. Because He is love. But it's also a different story to know how we are loved by Him. And I'd like to believe we are learning that from each other. 

It matters to me a lot, this matters to me a lot.

and maybe missing you might mean not being able to suppress 'sadness' but that also means I really, really do. But I do know that the means of expressing will take work, and I'm getting there. Thank you for being patient with me in that sense. and I'm sorry if, in any way, it hurt you.

I love you. always.

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Written : July 2015 

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