Hello You Found Me

A collection of random musings and poetry, fervidly scrawled on loose sheets and torn pages,
triggered by surreal photos, the girl crying at the coffee shop, the playlist on repeat, 
unforgettable lines from a movie, falling leaves, fireflies and dragons from dreams
at dusk, in transit, upon waking. . . 

the time and place - I could say today or the past months or years even,
the emotions that surface through - may or may not be mine, but most certainly it does not matter, 
these are intangible thoughts, bound to be encapsulated in writing, 
frozen, infinite, unchanging. . .
Dear reader, you must prepare yourself. 
This is truly a whirlwind of thoughts and etc. My mad mind is like a storm.
CTRL+F and type a word, a phrase or a number,
Pick a verse, pick a line, pick a poem, 
or simply scroll through and aimlessly read,
it might be your story, or a friend's, 
it might be for your lover, or from him/her to you,
it might shatter you in to dust, or set your heart on fire, 
nevertheless - you stumbled upon this post for a reason.

001 | One
What happens when you miss the train?

You can wait for the next one.

What if you miss it again?

You shouldn't keep thinking that there will be a "next one". Sometimes the only ride you should be taking, is the only one there ever is. 

But what if I miss it? 

If you're early and lucky, you won't miss it for the world. 

002 | Two
I've been staring at this white page as my thoughts cascade. So much words have been lost in a trance. Now how do I begin, where do I begin?

003 | Three
What if people are actually scattered stars, and to truly be able to shine, you must know what you are made of. . . oh but aren't we like specs of dust that form one another?

004 | Four
Lost in this make-believe surreal bliss, I find myself waking up in a game. A dreadful game. How do I find my way out? How do I play without allowing him to hurt me?

I never wanted to pay to begin with. But here I am.

How I badly wish he did not trigger this part of me that likes, that wants, that cares, only to leave me misplaced, hanging, and played.

Today, just had its toll on me.

005 | Five
Feel the pain, embrace it even if it feels like it's never going to end, because believe me - it will.

006 | Six
They say that if you build a wall, it can keep out pain.

Yes, but it can also keep out love. 

I'm terrified. Terrified of the pain that comes with love.

007 | Seven
'' magic. two souls that connect. beautiful minds. genuine hearts. romance. reality. romance. falling deeply in love... poetic, spontaneous lines. falling in love. drawn to each other's eyes. smiling at every detail noticeable. capturing every moment. engraving a favorite memory on your mind. falling in love. heartbeats racing. free flowing thoughts. passion. ecstatic bliss. one look. one smile. one moment. one change. love. happening. '' 

008 | Eight
Tonight, everything else wouldn’t matter. Tonight, I will rest my heart in the cold weather. Tonight, my sky will turn black and blue. Tonight, I’ll try my very best to forget you.

009 | Nine
There are things that cannot be forced.
The seasons, the growth of newly planted seeds,
sun rise...sunset.

010 | Ten
When you're with me, I forget.

The things that make me sad,
Reality that makes me feel worse
My real place in your heart

See, I just forgot how to write good lines

011 | Eleven
Your faintest cry, and the screaming thoughts in your head. Dear, I can hear them.

"What is lacking? Am I not enough? Why was I so easy to replace? What have I done to deserve this?Am I not worth it anymore? What's wrong with me? It's my fault, I shouldn't have been like this and like that. Maybe she's more of this, and that." 

Stop it. You are beautiful, you are more than enough. You deserve to be loved, unimaginably more than you could ever dream of, but you just have to wait for the right time, when the right person will find you.

012 | Twelve
Here I am again. In this phase again. In this phase of uncertainty, doubt, and everything else that tries to hurt me - and I am allowing them to.

013 | Thirteen
She is tossed away by the warm mist, 
swept away by dazzling lights, 
enthralled by the music that plays 
in the stillness of a wonderful night

She takes the dance along the aisle

of bursting crystals all aglow 
She smiles at this enchantment, 
that sets her heart on fire

it's a nightmare and

a beautiful dream at the same time. 
the one you badly want to wake up from 
but you know it's all real.

lured to a whirlwind, lost in ecstatic bliss, irrevocably entranced, holding the last breath - before giving away that smile

her silhouette of dreams danced across dim lights flickering, away fading, into a swirl of dust

just one breath of a moment scarred by the distance; the stars have gone beneath gray clouds of memories

serenading wind, 
painting dreams,
let the stars hear them, 
let the sky hold them, 
someday a masterpiece

014 | Fourteen
I have to let you go. I have to let go of every memory I built inside my head. The i love you's you never said, the nights we danced under the stars - all in my head. 

015 | Fifteen
To weigh the cost, but then it is in fact priceless. . . yet its value is merely a flicker of light, easily dimmed by the game

016 | Sixteen
The fear keeps haunting me. To the point that I find it hard to keep my thoughts quiet. I over think, I fret, I get anxious. When I shouldn't, because I should be secure with myself. I am, but then again, this fear of the past pain just drowns me. Not all men can be trusted. Not all men have good intentions. Not all men are genuine. It's hard to tell nowadays. That's why all I can count on is time, effort and heart as to how I am pursued, and of course that "leap of faith". And it matters so much, because days will keep passing by and my time and emotions are too precious to be left to uncertainty.

017 | Seventeen
Scars are proof of healed wounds. Scar after scar after scar, is there even a term for that?

018 | Eighteen
Enjoy the blossoming relationship you two have, with my darkest nights as your sunlight,
my painful tears as fresh water, the shattered pieces of my heart as fertile ground.

You were obviously the girl in between, the seemingly quiet third party, the next target, the prospect he had in mind, the girl who got his attention, the girl he chose, the girl he replaced me with.

He's all yours to keep. 

019 | Nineteen
To know the difference between this and that, to know where to stand, to know why... why you have to be in it alone.

020 | Twenty
Sometimes the scars we get from past wounds, especially deep wounds, become our defense. Like right now - I am so afraid of being hurt the same way again. If you've gone through the pain any woman would dread to experience - being cheated on, being replaced, and being second best - your walls are probably so thick, so high, and impenetrable. Keep it that way, until love finds you. Until he finds you. Believe that he will, and when he does - you're ready.

021 | Twenty-One
The pathetic lass has gone to deep waters. Ah, how will she ever find her way up?

022 | Twenty-Two
After going through the toughest, darkest phase of your life, remember that you deserve better. In fact, the best... and not WORSE.

023 | Twenty-Three
I write about emotions I have yet to feel -

the excitement when you call,
the surprise of your late night visits,
the loneliness of missing you,
the fuzziness inside when you stare,
the happiness of walking by your side,

I write about the sensations I have yet to feel -

the warmth of your cautious embrace,
the lingering scent of your perfume all over me,
the light of your smile when you see me,
the melting ice of forehead kisses,
the frenzy of dancing in the moonlight,

I don't know you.
But I am writing about you.

I don't love you.
But I am writing about a piece of it.

I have yet to meet you, I have yet to love you. 

024 | Twenty-Four
Such sheer folly, such LIES! Sometimes, those who know the truth still ask --- not to confirm,but to test your character. 

025 | Twenty-Five
Sometimes no matter how beautiful a woman is - in outward appearance, or her soul, her thoughts, or her personality, even her character - there will be times she will think she isn't enough, because the man she loves isn't pursuing her. She'll start to think about what is wrong, or what is lacking, even when she herself is more than enough. Sometimes. Only sometimes. These self-defeating thoughts swallow her whole.

026 | Twenty-Six
For a moment, it felt as if fear paralyzed me in a sense, because I badly did not want to feel this way again - an option.

027 | Twenty-Seven
Why does it seem like I know you? Oh, it seems like I've known you from a distance place, or perhaps in a different time. Why, does it feel like my heart once loved you...

028 | Twenty-Eight
I wonder if we were bound to meet to fall in love, eventually, slowly and then all at once... or if we knew we would fall in love eventually from the very beginning.

I don't know. I really don't.

I can only pray about you, I can only pray about my heart.

You see, I've been swayed all too many times and I'm afraid. It's not the pain, my love, that I am afraid of. I am afraid, of loving too much, loving so genuinely, so passionately, so fiercely.

I wonder where you are at this very moment. At home? or still at work? or at your favorite coffee shop? or maybe you just finished watching the latest episode of a new series you recently started. I've missed you, but I haven't met you. Dear whoever you might be, I'm still waiting patiently. 

029 | Twenty-Nine
Sometimes we become too vulnerable, because of the things that start to matter.

030 | Thirty
Oh but my mind has been crossing borders, taking me to places withheld by time and space, and I'm sure we've met quite often there, while we are tied to the “now” called here.

031 | Thirty-One
This is by far the strangest, yet most fascinating of all mysteries and for the first time I can say it's okay. I'm okay with it.

032 | Thirty-Two
If we stop looking at the petty little things that unexpectedly go wrong, everything else is beautiful :)

033 | Thirty-Three
Wait for things to unfold in its own time. Every seed planted has its due season. Learn to trust the process. 

034 | Thirty-Four
Let the universe hear your thoughts. In that way, it has a sense of direction towards reality.

035 | Thirty-Five
The sky was clear a few minutes ago, and now I could see a blanket of white clouds tucking in the stars.

036 | Thirty-Six
When I do, I won't hold back. Oh, when I do.

037 | Thirty-Seven
Tell me it will be worth it,
I want to know that it will be,
'Cause I've been preparing myself all this time,

038 | Thirty-Eight
You're the only uncertainty I am most certain of.

039 | Thirty-Nine
What would you be doing five years from now, today at 7:30pm?
Probably with you, sleeping on a bed, somewhere. 
Wow, this early? Not even dinner first?
Yes, 'cause I'll most likely be tired and coming from duty. 

040 | Forty 
You are my thoughts l, and prayers, even at 3am

041 | Forty-One
Sometimes we've been too hurt, abused and taken for granted in the past, that you become very keen with the smallest warning signs, because of the most earnest desire to shield our hearts from being broken the same way.

042 | Forty-Two
I trust you.

043 | Forty-Three

update in progress . . .