Day 93 : Did I Really Write This?

I have this urge to publish something today. I don't know why, but I really feel the need to do so. Perhaps, to reveal a part of my soul to the world is leaving a trace of who and how I am today. Ah, beautiful. Hello, 30 year old Bea, did you really write this?! It's beautiful. 

Sometimes I feel like I am more connected to my soul when I literally write...well, the pen and paper kind of "write". So here's a piece of what I've written on my notebook, dated a few weeks ago. When I read through past journal entries, I am sometimes shocked with how I am able to write such!

The smooth, genuine flow of words. . . 99% unedited.
Pardon the errors and blurred pool of thoughts, 
or even the lack of continuity. 
I failed to buy a journal. Maybe it's not for me yet, or maybe I'll find the best and it would be beyond imagination. If it was for me, I would have had it. There would have been another stock just for me. Other colors had stocks, but I love earthy colors. I won't settle for hot pink, neon blue or red. It's just not me! I won't settle either for a torn and dirty stock just to have it now. I want a journal. I know I need it. But I should be patient. I WILL have it. I just know I will. For now, this notebook is what I have. 

There are no rules when I write. I mean, yes I try giving myself rules to follow but what the hell - this is free space! I can write whatever, draw whatever, say whatever. Someday when I look back, I'll be seeing the utmost authenticity of my 21 year old self. Yes? Yes. Now going back . . .

It's all about timing.

Like how I had to go through the worst kind of pain and journey a long time ago and then be openly vulnerable that I had to go through another painstaking phase I did not see coming. It's all starting to make sense, and I know all these things really had to happen so I could finally BREAK FREE. 

Soon enough I'll be the star of my own photos (can't wait!)
 For now, this perfectly captures how I feel. . . 
I had to die, to live...fully. I had to be broken in every damn possible way I could think of, to be whole and complete, lacking nothing. Perhaps I had to lose, to gain and value what is restored and renewed - like my faith, my dreams, my hopes. In Him I have everything and to have Him close to my heart, to know Him, to love Him, to nurture my relationship with Him, is after all, everything I could give and share. I lost it once, but I've been trying to get back on track every time I feel like I'm slowly drifting away. In fact, its value has increase all the more now. 

I've lost everything I deemed valuable, lost track of how I see myself, those beautiful dreams I've always written about in my past journals. But then again, in Him I have everything. In Him, to Him, I am everything more. In His eyes, I am a new creation, fearfully wonderfully made. He knows me full well, from the core, to my thoughts and what's in my heart, to every wonderful detail of my body. He knows my dreams, and sees my thoughts as precious., He cares for me, loves me with an everlasting love, a love that is unchanging. He cleansed my soul and my heart from darkness, grime and bitterness. He saved me. 

In Him, through Him, I am starting to know myself more. I am discovering the hidden treasures kept inside of me. It is through Him that I am getting to truly know the woman He has created me to be, therefore establishing a higher value for myself because I am His. Nobody can claim me unless my God gracefully permits. He is my King, my Father. . . and I am His daughter. A princess. Someday an earthly king's Queen.

Oh I want to write about a million things today, but I guess I'll have to go with random words, random thoughts. I am a writer, I am a dreamer, I am a visionary. I am my own character. So let me write about me as I carry on my role. He is the master writer after all. And I just know that my story, my someday soon love story, is going to be one of the greatest and most beautiful stories ever written, and LIVED.