Maybe the idea of true love has taken its hold on me. I am intoxicated, befuddled by everything beautiful it raises beyond perfection - the light and warmth it gives, the joy that melts away every burden that the world brings, the mystery in it that makes you want to explore the puzzle down to pieces, the uncertainty of the risk it is worth. I know, because I threw myself over as captive, and now my heart is nothing but dust.
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| Art by my favorite, Pauline Bactad |
Maybe I love him for all that he isn't and all that he is when he's with me.
Does it even make sense to want something so much that you hang yourself over the edge of the cliff ready to snip the rope on your waist - it hurts already and it's getting hard to breathe, but you just wont cut the rope because you know you want him to untangle the rope and save you, or catch you safely at the bottom but he just wont. You don't know when, you don't know if he will. But you want him to. You are hoping he would. So you try staying a little longer because you can see him and it gives you joy for a second, and he can definitely see you and it damn hurts like hell to know he wants you there but neither will he untangle the rope, nor catch you. Yes, I can see him. and he can definitely see me.
Now how do I stop that aching part of me that wants to be with him even if I know I'll only end up loving him from a distance? He loved me. He used to. Maybe he still does, but love without action is just again, an idea.
How do I get by, when he filled everything around me with moments that have now faded into memories?
Sometimes I don't know why it still hurts. I get by just fine day by day, one day at a time, but just one memory that suddenly starts to play in my head brings me back to what was once filled with love. . . or maybe it's all in my head - "love". It's just an idea that possibly was real for a moment but not bound to last. It's just an idea that continues to sting my heart.
'I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.' - Mother Teresa
Oh, to love, until it hurts... To keep hurting, until you grow cold. To grow cold, until you freeze like ice. But that vicious cycle never stops - love makes you melt all over again. Do you even know if it's worth it? What makes it worth the pain? What makes love worth enduring the pain? How much can you take? How much can you bare? How will you know if there is no more hurt?
How I wish you you'd arrive sooner
to save me from this chaos, from this pain.
But I don't really need saving.
I am going through this, and will get through this,
by His grace.
Like diamonds from coal, like gold from the mines, like pearl from deep seas -
You will find me, and He will bring us together in His perfect time.
You are far more worthy to have me in my broken pieces.
Tonight I ache, at the idea of you.
