Day 89 : Let Me Cry

Dear blog reader, please just, close your browser if this is 'emo-ranting' for you. 

Inside, I bleed.

I'm stronger than this, I know. But how many times to I have to fall down, how many times do I have to feel that I've tried, I've given, I've lost, I've tried... yet I still am on the this page of the story that burns me up. How many times must it get worst before things get better? How many times to I have to keep pulling myself out of the maze, how many times to I have to give myself a hard push to keep holding myself together?

I'm stronger than this, I know. Some days I feel strong. Some days, like today, it feels as if everything is clouding up my mind. Why am I even here? Why... why does this chapter have to exist in my life? What did I do to be thrown into this furnace?! I've gone through hell way back, and at least I think I deserve better, if not the best....... and not worst.

Sometimes I wish it would be easy to express. Sometimes I wish I could just cry and let it all out. But who would really understand down to the core? Well at the end of the day, I stand in the battle field alone, to fight and defend myself. But what if I can't anymore? What if I'm too tired, too sad, too messed up that I can't take it anymore?

I never really like posting things like this. . . but I just had to. I want to look back on this day. This day I feel the crushing pain shoot up. Pain because I've never felt this worst, this dark, this messed up in my entire life - only in this phase of my story. AND IT SUCKS. 

I wouldn't do the same mistake of turning my back on God because of everything crappy I am going through. I know this is just a test... I'm in that pruning process again. A stage where my character is being shaped, tried and tested, molded.... I believe that He is walking with me through the fire, and after this phase - I will be refined like gold.

Sometimes I just need a short break. . . to let it all out, and not be ridiculed for writing things like this.

This side of me, is just inevitably hard to mask.

I'll get by. . .