But then, there's reality.
I just realized that parallel to my sight is a corner of two partitions of my desk, one side is apple green and the other, bright orange. It reminds me of my identity as a LaSallian, and my identity as a Tapat, a socio-political org, believer. How timely, at this very moment to be reminded of such. Apparently, it is also a reminder of my uncertainties and anxiety about work. Two completely different colors, symbolizing two opposing factors - where I am, and where I want to be.
The hardest part I suppose, in someone's working life, is being in an environment you never imagined yourself to be. If I'd known I'd be in a support team, I wouldn't have accepted this job knowing that it would sacrifice precious time with family, and myself. Besides, it's my ultimate dream to be a Business Analyst, or to some extent, be a practicing application developer or system architect. If I'd known I'd be assigned here in Technohub, on a shift like hell for scorching heat at 12nn and for the lurking mode of darkness at 11pm, I would never even think twice about NOT accepting this offer. Oh yeah, what was I thinking anyway? Why did I accept an offer, that would expire in 24 hours? Even the best companies would atleast give 3 days to think it over. Take it or leave it, with a golden spoon of impression...that you will a smarter planet, you will succeed here, you can balance your work and personal life, you are part of the world's number 1, baddida dum dum dee. You're just too good to be true. I am in tears, because of you.........
Ah, I am talking to too much. Go straight to the point, Bea Patricia.
I am nearing the phase where my fate will be decided upon. My heart is screaming, that I would be assigned on a regular day shift because family is, and will always be, my first priority. If still in technohub, it wouldn't be hard to commute in the morning because of the humid air, and this will cut my expenses to 2k a month. I put myself last, in my bigger dream of becoming a Business Analyst. If it is God's plan that I won't be a Business Analyst as of the moment, Lord strengthen my heart, and let thy will be done. I only ask, that my time with my family would not be compromised. . . breakfast with mama, and dinner with them both and papa too when he comes home and family talks at night and movies, even. It makes me cry thinking about the scene where I'll be home when they're all asleep, and I'll be leaving without having lunch with them, and not really seeing or talking to nathalie anymore on weekdays when school starts. It pains me, really, to even imagine this.
Time is the best gift, the most precious and most important thing that can never be bought, replaced, repeated.Looking back at the reasons why I accepted the offer, I guess I got overwhelmed by the bigger picture - being part of building a smarter planet, being a prowess of innovation and pioneering technology, being the person I want to be, and can become, changing the world one step at the time.
This phase could probably be a crooked puzzle piece of THAT bigger picture. Only God knows.
The reality is this : the real, hands-on work will be starting soon. But my heart still says and believes, that all things are possible with God... only believe. and He will never forsake me.
